Life is Like a Chair of Bowlies

As the World Changes Around Me, I Seek to Change the World

2011-11-20T21:45:00.000-08:00

I figured since Thanksgiving is near that it would be a good time to update this blog. I've also had a lot of things on my mind lately. In the past month or two, the incidents I've observed or experienced has somehow really affected my outlook on the world and on my life.

Here in Berkeley (and the general Bay Area), we've had 4-5 earthquakes over the course of the last several months while 2-3 of them happened within the span of a week or two of each other. Though I do not want "The Big One" to hit anytime soon, I also feel it is a sign of metaphorical change - a shift in the environment and the world which I know.

I've observed and felt these changes around me from the Occupy protests to the school shooting at Haas business school to the fire that devastated a building as well as several restaurants below it just down the street from where I live. From an academic standpoint, my undergraduate career has almost come to an end and I am in the process of applying to graduate school - a tremendous feat in itself and a personal dream that I've had since I was 15 years old. Therefore, all of these thoughts, feelings and emotions have begun warring inside of me in a turbulence of emotional upheaval.

The handling of the Occupy protests, particularly those at UC Berkeley and UC Davis, have been appalling to me. I understand why students are protesting as I too am upset by the fee increases and the future of what it means to have a public education, but what shocks me is the violence that has gone along with the movement as police have struck students with batons, yanked them by their hair and pepper sprayed their faces. It's the very acts that upset me because I have difficulty understanding why people bring harm to other people (even verbally), especially when these were supposed to be considered peaceful protests. I feel everyone should have a voice and I also understand why students want to make their voices heard. But I feel the very nature of how such matters were handled was shocking. Making my way through the Occupy crowds on Sproul Plaza was overwhelming, but these students just want to make their voices heard.

There was also the school shooting that occurred at Haas business school. At the time of the shooting, I was at the Pacific Film Archive with my Advanced Screenwriting class enjoying the sunny weather and chatting about the scripts of my fellow classmates. We heard helicopters overhead and I think we all assumed it was because of the Occupy protests, but a classmate of mine checked his phone and said there had been a shooting at the business school. The words "school shooting" put me in a state of silent shock, mostly because it was something so unexpected and I wasn't quite sure how to react to it. Though police shot the suspect who had the gun, it still made me question my own existence (to some extent) and submerged me into a state of disbelief.

A few days later, at almost 9 PM this past Friday, a building just down and across the street from my apartment complex caught on fire. Though I haven't heard about any casualties, this put me in another state of shock. The after effects of this fire really stuck me when I went out the following morning and saw the clouds of gray smoke, the dark ashes that covered the concrete sidewalk and the overwhelming flood of water cascading down the street. The incident made tears come to my eyes as I sat in my room in quiet contemplation as the news kept coming in from the various news outlets I looked at online. I cried for what had been lost, for what the students and residents living there had lost and continue to pray for some semblance of hope and a chance to rebuild.

In all of these instances, the world has been changing around me, yet I also seek to change it.

The prospect of graduate school looms ahead and I seek to fulfill my 10 year long dreams of pursuing an MFA degree. I have done much preparation for this and will continue to do this preparation until my applications are due. I am applying for my Master of Fine Arts degree in Screenwriting/Television Writing. My primary scriptwriting sample is a 20-something page short film script and definitely the strongest script I've written thus far because of all of the personal elements I've incorporated into it. I'm also considering adapting it into a feature-length film sometime in the hopefully not too distant future because I feel a connection with these characters that I want to continue exploring. This is one of the most nerve-wracking experiences I've ever gone through and I hope things turn up in my favor in the end.

As this semester draws to a close, I want to reflect on some very personal facets of what I've learned in my Advanced Screenwriting class. At first, I thought I'd gone into Advanced Screenwriting to learn about how to write screenplays, how to structure them, what to get out of a certain scene, etc. But I've come to the realization that I've learned much more than that. I've learned about humanity and the passion and creativity of my fellow classmates. In order to get to know me better as a person, you have to get to know me as a writer. While my screenplays or other pieces of my creative writing might not be completely on par in terms of logic, conflict and character development, I've always tried to find passion in all of the stories I've created. My own personal blueprint, so to speak. Though I've struggled through outlines and script drafts, my scripts and other creative work are a piece of me and a look into my inner psyche, my innermost thoughts about life as a woman with a disability, friendships, romantic relationships and the strong female characters who inspire me to pursue a career in television writing and disability advocacy work. Therefore, when I read the script of a fellow classmate, it becomes a unique experience for me because I am seeing a unique part of them through this visual medium of storytelling they have created. I admire the creativity and ingenuity of my fellow classmates and I continue to learn a lot from them each week, even though I may not actively vocalize it.

Pursuing an MFA in Screenwriting/Television Writing will allow me to "change the world" so to speak. In a world according to my own vision and desires while simultaneously learning and growing from the innovative classmates I have yet to meet and learn from. I also continue to learn a great deal from my Screenwriting professor who offers constructive criticism without judgement and seeks to bring out the best in her students.

In yet a final moment of reflection, I am thankful. I am thankful to my family and friends who've helped me get to where I am today. I am thankful to my current and past classmates who have shared their personal with me and I am thankful for the professors I have gained life wisdom from. As I move from my time as a Berkeley undergraduate to my next stage of life (whatever that may be), I only hope that creativity will flourish, so I can continue to change the world around me while also being present to the changes in the world.

Writing Portfolio - Mid Year Review

2011-07-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

I keep a separate document of all completed, on-going, not yet started but intended and maybe scripts in my scriptwriting folder, but I got inspired by another blog post I just found online and thought I'd post a mid-year review as well. Since my goal is to apply for graduate school for my MFA in Screenwriting and Television Writing this fall 2011/winter 2012, I've included those goals and the writing projects I'm doing for my internship.

Completed
- Community spec script (second draft stage; revisions needed)
- Short film script 20ish pages in length (1st draft stage; revisions needed)

Works-In-Progress
- Writing samples for grad school apps (essays/personal statement/a short story/creative challenge script samples)
- Sitcom pilot (1st draft stages)
- Various articles written for my internship

On Hiatus
- TV drama pilot
- Feature-length screenplay (30ish pages up to Act I turning point complete; started in Beginning Screenwriting in Fall 2010)

Older Writing Projects (2010 and previous)
- Articles written and published for my internship
- Medium spec script (1st draft completed)
- Four short film scripts of various length (1-7 pages)
- Unfinished TV spec scripts because ideas weren't working or the show got cancelled (1 for Dollhouse, 2 for Community and 1 for Army Wives)

Immediate goals between now and January 2012 are to just finish the work-in-progress scripts and articles that need to get done and work on any necessary revisions of previously completed scripts written in 2011 (namely the Community script and 20 page short film script). I figure if I can get all of those things done plus the materials needed for grad school applications I can focus on my feature-length screenplay and TV drama pilot ideas at a later date. Grad school awaits, though! Wish me luck!!

Expectations

2011-05-10T00:46:00.000-07:00

I know it has been too long since I blogged, but I thought this piece that I've just written was worth sharing. It was written as a part of my final exam for Disability Memoir class. We had to use a technique from one of the memoirs we've read in class and craft our own kind of memoir in 500-750 words. Hopefully I'll be able to update this blog in a few days or next week, but in the meantime, I hope you all enjoy this piece.

Flashback Technique written in present tense – used in Riding the Bus with My Sister

Senior year of high school brings what is to be expected – excitement, fear, anxiety – about moving on to the next chapter my life. It’s like crossing a bridge between adolescent years and young adulthood. The next step on a never-ending journey.

I have big expectations set for myself during my senior year, but none prepare me for what I face in my Economics classroom during the second semester, the last semester of high school.

I don’t know what to expect exactly, but I do know the coursework will be easier than the AP US History course I’d taken the year before.

The teacher, a bespectacled Asian man, addresses the class. He explains the course structure, the exams and the homework assignments. We are expected to turn in outlines for each textbook chapter. But not just chapter outlines written in pen or pencil – oh, no – he wants them in color, like we are back in the first grade. Although I find this extremely odd, I turn in each outline in all of its fully colored glory week after week.

He occasionally says strange things to me, but I find myself at a loss for words as I roll my manual wheelchair into his classroom on a certain day in particular with my aide following behind me.

“Look,” he announces to the entire class upon my entrance, “here comes Lara with her aide who’s waiting on her hand and foot!”

In the moment, I feel waves of embarrassment and shock wash over me. I’m not sure what to say, what to think, what to feel.

I take a deep breath and finish settling myself in, sitting in the back of the classroom. I can’t help but wonder what my classmates are thinking just then. I usually never bother to consider what they think of me, but a part of me is curious now.

My aide is not my servant and I have never thought of her that way. Does my teacher just expect that my aide does everything for me? Does he expect that I am incapable of doing basic day-to-day activities on my own? I’m going to college next year! I’ll be completely on my own then.

I report what I consider to be inappropriate comments to my high school principal. Within the next few days, I receive an apology from my Economics teacher. I accept it.

* * * * *

It’s now April. I’ve heard back from all of the colleges I’ve applied to and decide on attending UC Berkeley in the coming fall. My Economics teacher asks me where I’m going to college.

“UC Berkeley,” I tell him.

He seems surprised and impressed. So much so that one day when we are doing a class activity, he walks over to my table and proudly beams to my fellow classmates, “Did you know she’s going to UC Berkeley?”

Again, I feel like a deer caught in headlights. This sudden outburst of boastfulness is a dramatic turn from what he’d said in the months before. But it still makes me feel uneasy.

I understand and fully acknowledge that people’s expectations change, but I’m not sure what his are of me anymore. However, something inside of me somewhere decides that his expectations and opinions don’t really matter.

I graduate from high school in June, excited to begin the collegiate chapter of my life. I’m also intent on setting my own expectations rather than conform to what others try to set for me.

Finding a Heroine: A Journal Entry on Women and Disability

2010-02-01T01:48:00.000-08:00

The following short essay is a journal entry assignment for my Women and Disability class. The assignment is to write a weekly journal entry in response to assigned readings, guest speakers, films shown in class, etc. One of the articles that I was required to read intrigued me and decided to write this week's journal entry about it. I hope everyone had a happy holiday and I wish you all the best this new year! Hope you enjoy my first blog entry for the new year!

I’m writing in response to the article entitled “In Search of a Heroine: Images of Women with Disabilities in Fiction and Drama” by Deborah Kent. It echoed a lot of feelings, thoughts and questions I’ve had as a young woman with a disability as I’ve constantly tried to find an identity for myself in the mainstream media. Which heroines can I identify with?

As individuals, both disabled and non-disabled, we feel the intrinsic need and desire to find someone we can relate to on a personal and emotional level in the perpetuated fantasy world that novels, television shows and films immerse us into, if only for a little while. Outside the fantasy world, however, lies the harsh, cruel reality that we cannot escape from. For me, these fantasized experiences become the canvas of inspiration for my various writing endeavors including fiction writing, poetry, blogging and scriptwriting. Much like the author in the article, the heroines that I have chosen to identify with in the media all possess certain characteristics, such as compassion, conviction, and mature insight, which I can identify with and strive to achieve daily. Yet, also like the author, I struggle to understand my destiny of female fulfillment. However, I don’t think it is essential to find fulfillment by appearing desirable to men. I think it is essential for a woman to appear desirable and attractive to herself, a kind of fulfillment that enriches her own life before that of a significant other. Therefore, I also feel that a woman with a disability who can satisfy her own destiny and not be dependent on a man or other loved one can achieve true self-fulfillment. But I believe this process is not instantaneous and must occur over a period of time. Based on my personal experiences, I know that I am trying to explore this level of self-fulfillment as I become more independent, take advantage of new opportunities, meet new people and discover new venues for my creativity.

A character I currently identify with the most is from a cancelled TV show on FOX called Tru Calling. The show’s main character and resident heroine, Tru Davies, is a college graduate and aspiring doctor who takes a job at a city morgue once her internship at a hospital falls through. During her first night, one of the dead bodies asks her for help and her day rewinds. Now she has the opportunity to save that person from an untimely death. While she does try to save those who ask, she is not always successful. Though she is not disabled, I fell instantly in love with this character. I view her unique abilities to relieve days as a kind of disability, which can either help or hinder her. I admire her perseverance, strength, wit, courage, selflessness, conviction and compassion as she is able to prove herself through those qualities rather than showing off her physical aptness and curvaceous figure. I especially relate to her never-ending quest of trying to find a sense of balance and normalcy in her life, which may not be accepted by others around her.

In conclusion, however, I do agree with Deborah. Through my own experiences of writing, I would like to create some new heroines of fiction, film and TV that all women with and without disabilities can identify with on a universally accessible level.

A Reason to Be GLEEful

2009-11-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

If you're looking for laid-back fun and an hour of toe-tapping, finger snapping entertainment, then I hope you've been tuning into Glee, a new show on FOX about a high school show choir made up of so-called "misfit" kids. While it certainly has its flaws and questionable moments, it is definitely one awesome hour of television I am excited to tune into.

+ The cast. This talented group of actors and actresses has definitely impressed me. Not only with how they deliver spoken dialogue, but singing voices add an extra element to a show that would have otherwise been as cringe worthy as High School Musical. Perhaps the most well-known actors and actresses of the group would be Matthew Morrison who has been in various musical productions including The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Hairspray and Footloose and Lea Michele who starred in Broadway's Spring Awakening. In addition, I find that I have yet to be disappointed by actress Jane Lynch in her fantastic portrayal of Sue Sylvester.

+ The characters. I think what is so wonderful about this show is the diversity of characters and how they are portrayed on screen. While the portrayals may be seen too often as stereotypical or cliche, I'd like to think that maybe this is okay at times. I've learned that I don't have to be in love with every character or every actor's portrayal of what they think the character should be. Through these characters, I've reevaluated my passion for music and what it means to be a singer. I've critiqued, criticized and praised Kevin McHale's portrayal of paraplegic Arty when Kevin himself does not actually use a wheelchair in real life. I've smiled at Kurt's rendition of "Single Ladies" and I've always enjoyed every single one of Sue Sylvester's brilliantly acidic and witty quips.

+ Songs. I have to admit that I thought some of the songs just would not work in the show choir type vein, but I've been surprised at how many songs have actually been quite good when they are redone to suit the needs of this show. Some of my favorite songs from the series so far would be their version of "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey and the "It's My Life/Confessions" mash-up.

While certain aspects of Glee are still not quite as fine tuned as they should be, I'd recommend this show to anyone who enjoys music, musicals and the feel-good vibe of television. I'm definitely looking forward to how the rest of the season plays out this year and I hope that Glee will continue to be as smart, witty and fun as it was when the pilot first aired back in the spring.

Until next time...

Between Fantasy and Reality

2009-11-03T22:13:00.000-08:00

As a creative individual, I find that the imaginative part of my brain seems to never let me want to sleep or slow down. Linear ways of thinking is a constant struggle for me because I do not see patterns in a straight chronological order. Instead, my way of thinking is completely non-linear and seems to go from Point A to Point Z without ever having crossed Point P and so on. Sometimes I have to stop and think, remembering that my thought process is this way and force myself to deal with certain tasks that are asked of me in a linear fashion. However, whenever I am able to, my brain goes straight into non-linear creative mode and even when I am not putting pen to paper or typing excitedly on my laptop, there are various images, scenes and bits of dialogue that play out in the vividness of my imagination.

Since enrolling in various disability studies courses required for my minor, including an intro course, a literature course and an art course, I've come to realize how and why my overactive imagination creates these images and reflects certain feelings about what it means to be a person with a disability. I've come to realize that the line between fantasy and reality is very thin, almost transparent in nature, and constantly reflects and questions my individual identity on a daily basis. Though I may not be able to fulfill my fantasy in reality, I find myself still acting upon such fantasies and performing them through the written word and through music. In my reality, I can create fantasies that help or hinder my physical, emotional and spiritual life. My aspirations have always been set high and though I can clearly picture myself achieving them, they must remain a kind of fantasy for now. They give me something to look forward to when I wake up every morning. They help me engage in creative and insightful conversations with family, friends and classmates. They generate hours upon hours of intricate storylines for my original fiction, poetry, fanfiction, scriptwriting and even blogging. However, even though this line is drawn so thin, I do recognize that some fantasies are just that. Fantasies. And nothing more.

In my Literature and Disability class, I had to read a play entitled "No One As Nasty" by Susan Nussbaum. This is one of my favorite plays we've read this semester simply because of how it addresses the themes of fantasy and reality when dealing with disability issues. As a playwright with a disability herself, Nussbaum conveys the importance of belonging to a minority group and trying to find an individual identity within that labeled group. The play discusses the relationship between a disabled white woman named Janet, who uses a power wheelchair, and her black personal attendant named Lois. What I enjoyed most about the play is the fantasy aspect as I imagined how this could be portrayed on stage. Throughout the play, Janet creates another version of herself, which Nassbaum names Janet #2. I think Janet #2 is a unique character because she represents who Janet wishes she could be and wants to become. In certain scenes, Janet #2 is seen with and without her wheelchair. This fantasy Janet can walk, run, ice skate and even have dinner with Christopher Reeve. Thus, fantasy Janet can also be seen as a response to the social model of disability, which is a construction of disability as seen by societal notions and perceptions. People are disabled because the barriers in society do not accurately meet the needs of a disabled person. Therefore, by taking away the disability, Janet seems to have solved her problem through this fantasy as we see it bleed with reality on stage, though we know it is still only a product of her imagination. This play showed me that, as a person with a disability, it is okay to have fantasies and to see the characters I create as extensions of myself and who I hope to become.

Until next time...

Preconceived Notions

2009-09-23T21:24:00.001-07:00

OK, so I've had a lot of thoughts going through my head lately about a lot of different things. It has called a lot of issues into question for me or sparked some kind of creative inspiration upon discussing or discovering it. The following piece is something I wrote as a kind of introspective self-reflection and challenging the preconceived notions of those around me.

Preconceived Notions - An Internal Monologue

I challenge you
I challenge your preconceived notions
I dare you to say what you feel
Go ahead... ask me something
Ask me a question that you want to know the answer to
Let your preconceived notions remain suspended in the still air
If only for a little while
Hanging there precariously as my words of response dance with them
Whatever you think of me upon merely looking at me is just a casual observation
Creative self-expression gives me the greatest pleasure
I allow my innermost thoughts tucked deep within the crevices of my mind to become lost
My thoughts travel through the multifaceted narratives of fiction
To make believe that characters exist somewhere beyond the confines of the small screen
A steady stream of words flow from my aching heart
Bleeding into my vulnerable soul
As I mark pristine white pages with strokes of dark black ink
But that's not the casual observation you see
You allow your mind to paint a different picture of me
Free of creativity, curiosity, intrinsic desire and insatiable needs
Your portrait of me is black and white
Gone are the specks of color which illuminate my existence
So I challenge you to look again
I challenge your preconceived notions

Written by Lara Ameen

Until next time...

Why I Aspire to Write for Television

2009-09-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

Since I've started this blog, I've been following and exploring other television writing and screenwriting related blogs to see the kinds of topics they post, hoping to learn a little something from each of them. I believe there was some kind of meme with the blog title I posted on other people's blogs explaining why they want to write for television. So, without further adieu, here's my take on this subject that I find so creatively fascinating.

I've always wanted to be a writer. I have known that I wanted to be a writer since I was nine years old. I'll never forget receiving my first diary as a gift for Hanukkah one year. It was a pink notebook with Spottie Dottie the dalmatian on the cover from the Sanrio store. It was just a simple notebook with lined pages on the inside, but this special notebook became my sacred canvas going into my pre-teen and young adolescent years. In its pages, I covered it with random musings of my childhood, detailing my experiences with friends, family and growing up as a young person with a disability. I also began to write numerous short stories and plays, most of which I would act out with my friends. I still remember my very first short story entitled "The Queen and the Maid" which was written on both sides of 3 pages of lined notebook paper with yellow construction paper as a cover. The concept of fandom also played a vital role in how I saw the world, though I was unaware that it had such a name at 10 years old.

My very first favorite television show was on what is now considered Classic Nickelodeon (aka Nickelodeon in the 1990s) called The Secret World of Alex Mack. It was about a young girl named Alex Mack who had special powers such as the ability to move things with her mind, zap objects with her finger and morph into a puddle of water. I discovered the show accidentally as I was flipping channels one day and became hooked on the show from that point forward. Being an avid reader with a big imagination fueled my passion for my first fandom when I discovered that there was a series of tie-in novels based on the TV series. I'm pretty sure I have every single book because I remember reading each one cover to cover, sometimes multiple times. I was so fascinated by the concept of this show and, right before the series ended, I had the opportunity to meet the cast! I got to go on location and 'film' a scene as I eagerly watched some of my favorite TV stars perform these scenes. I got to look through the camera's lens of my favorite TV series and experienced what a professional director or producer might see. I ate lunch in Larisa Oleynik's (the main actress) trailer and her mom gave us a tour of the Alex Mack sets. I was also given a mini version of an Alex Mack script from one of the assistant directors. When I saw the final episode, I was so devastated that I swore I would never have a favorite TV show ever again!

But, much to my own dismay, I did. My second favorite TV show was an extremely short-lived series on Animal Planet called Call of the Wild, which was based on the book by Jack London. I was going through a huge animal loving phase back then and it was that show and my first dog at the time (a black German Shepherd appropriately named Alex Mack, ha!) that made me realize my passion and love for dogs and wolves. The dog used to play Buck in the series was half-dog half-wolf and gorgeous! Knowing the series was going to be cancelled soon because of poor ratings (it only lasted about 6 months), I decided to write my very first "spec script" of the TV series. I wanted to write my own episode of the show. I didn't write very much, only writing a few very short scenes and having no experience whatsoever in television writing and limited experience in playwriting. I also didn't know how to write it in the proper format. I quickly abandoned the idea, but looking back on my attempt to write a script for that show definitely inspired something in me. By this time, I was 13 years old and I still continued to write short stories and plays about whatever was interesting to me.

When I entered 8th grade and turned 14, a friend introduced me to a television series already in its 5th season on the WB called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She was a huge fan and I remember not really having any interest in the show, but I loved writing and making up Buffy "plays" with her where we would make up scenes and pretend to be the different characters. She finally convinced me to try watching the show and I didn't like it the first time I saw it, but I gave it a second try and was hooked on the Buffyverse from that point on. It was through Buffy that I discovered fanfiction (stories made up by fans using existing characters from TV shows, movies, etc.) and became compelled to start writing Buffy stories of my own.

It didn't stop there. When Buffy ended, I discovered other TV shows that led me to appreciate television and the high quality caliber of television writing. I discovered that characters on television were build on complexity and being able to delve into their psyche week after week to watch them grow and develop into themselves, which feels like an honor. I discovered this with shows like Charmed, Tru Calling, American Gothic and even LOST. But especially Tru Calling, which proved to be more than just a "genre" show for me.

Tru Calling was the first "genre" show to compel me in emotional ways that no other show before it or since its premature cancellation has. Like Buffy, it centers around a strong female character, but unlike Buffy, Tru Davies does not have any special "powers" per se. While she does have the ability to relive days (which I guess could be considered a special power of sorts), her abilities are not rooted in magic or super human strength. I'd like to think that her powers come from a line of very strong women who possessed her abilities at one time, like her mother. It was a series that was very natural in its progression and remained unpretentious, not trying to prove anything to anyone. Tru Davies is a strong multi-faceted character with flaws. She's not the epitome of perfection (though in my eyes, she might be) and she can't save every person on every rewind day she has. She walks a fine line between answering her calling and maintaining a balance of normalcy in her life. Her internal conflict is ever-present to her audience as she desires to be "normal," yet is forced to answer and deal with the trials and tribulations associated with her calling. A part of her desires to be just like everyone else, though she knows she is different. Yet, she does not try and prove anything to herself or to the audience other than the fact that she is a capable human being whose mistakes and pitfalls do not justify who she is. Rather, it comes from her strength, perserverance and motivation knowing she has to get up every day and go work at the morgue, knowing that her day may inevitably restart and someone's life rests in her hands. In other words, I could relate to the conflicts of this modern day heroine because I related the burden of her calling to my disability. Though I've never seen my disability as a burden, I just related to that sense of trying to find my place in the world and trying to find other people out there like me (like when Tru first finds out that Jack relives days). Since Tru Calling's cancellation, I've written and still write numerous fanfiction stories about this fandom because I find it is how I make sense of the world around me.

As a senior in high school, I knew I wanted to go to college and major in Creative Writing and/or Screenwriting because I was fascinated by the different modes of storytelling that existed. Unfortunately, Berkeley does not offer those options as majors, so I opted for Film Studies with a minor in Disability Studies. To this day, I still aspire to be a novelist because I like telling stories in that way - through long descriptive fictional narratives that weave through the cobwebs of my overactive imagination. But as I discovered how much I was immersed in the world of media through television and movies, I began to consider writing for television because of its ability to tell stories in a very different visual format.

Therefore, I aspire to write for television because I want to be able to compel audiences emotionally. I want them to be able to follow the characters I create week after week and become involved in their lives, being able to relate to them just like I could with the characters I saw when I was watching television growing up as a little girl. I also want to use my writing abilities to write scripts about characters with physical disabilities (especially strong female ones) on television because television is a medium that accepts storylines about minorities more readily than film does. Ultimately, I aspire to write for television because I seek to inspire others around me.

Until next time...

The Importance of Creativity

2009-09-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

The fall semester began last week and though I am slowly acclimating myself to my classes and extra-curricular club meetings, a part of me can't help but feel dissatisfied at times. I understand that many people must feel this way at one time or another in their lives, but for me this dissatisfaction comes from the lack of creativity that I feel around me. I'm not saying that it's not there, but rather I am just not feeling that creative opportunities are around me in the way I wish them to be.

Therefore, I felt this issue was important to blog about as I discuss my innermost thoughts and feelings on the importance of creativity. I realize that creativity can come from anywhere and maybe I am just putting up unnecessary blinders for myself and limiting my creative potential in my own sense. But I feel frustrated and annoyed that my college experience thus far has lacked in the kind of creativity I thirst for.

As a Film Studies major, I see opportunities come in many shapes and sizes as well as through many different lenses. I was hoping to use what I have learned in my study of film thus far and push it beyond its expectations. I want to challenge the stereotype of disability through the creation of disability focused documentary films and write/produce successful TV shows that moves the audience in a deeply emotional way because I consider myself an emotional writer. However, my major is very analytical and theoretical, leaving little room for creativity. The creative classes that are offered as electives in my major, namely screenwriting and digital video production, are few and far between. They are also very hard to get into, accepting only a handful of students through an application process, interview, consent of instructor and completion of certain prerequisites. I know Berkeley is primarily a research university, but where does that leave more creatively prone people like myself? Yet, UC Berkeley is not the only university that has this kind of standard. There are other universities that offer similar limited opportunities for more creative-minded students.

Perhaps this is just a non-nonsensical rant of an aspiring television writer/producer/documentary filmmaker/fiction novelist, but I feel as though I'm trying to assert myself in the world and find my place in it. To find myself in a place both spiritually sound and creatively engaging.

I was wait-listed for my Screenwriting class, a course I've been wanting and waiting to take for ages, and I don't find out if I get in or not until Friday. I'm trying not to think negatively and to allow the possibility that I may get into this class open up for me, but a part of me feels stuck in a state of contemplation or unsure what I should do next in case I do not get into the course. I know the opportunity to take this class will present itself to me again at another time, but I was looking forward to taking advantage of it now and using it to keep me grounded and creative amidst the analytical courses my major requires.

But as a Disability Studies minor, I feel like I have an advantage. Using the context of what I learn in my disability studies courses as well as drawing from personal experiences in my own life, I feel more confident in exploring what the importance of creativity is and what it means to me as I writer.

Thus, what I have learned from being at Berkeley is the importance of creativity can be whatever I want it to be. I just have to create it using my own creativity.

So on a creative end-note, I'm happy to say that I just finished the first draft of my Medium TV spec script. It is in a black notebook, 3 hole punched and stapled, anxiously awaiting the many revisions it will undergo. I started this project several months ago in April as part of a scriptwriting challenge called Script Frenzy, which challenges screenwriters of all levels, types and genres to write 100 pages of any kind of screenplay they desire. Though I did not reach the 100 page goal, I started a long-term project that I finally was able to finish with success months later. I am very happy and proud that I was able to accomplish this and already have other ideas forming in my head that may or may not include: a one-act play, another TV spec script for a different drama series, an original TV drama pilot, a short film script and maybe even a feature-length screenplay. For now, I think I would like to focus on something TV related, but if I start up a few projects at once, then you never know. I'll just let whatever happens happen and remember how it is up to me to create the importance of creativity in my own life.

Until next time...

About Me

2009-08-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

Taken from a LiveJournal post. Thought it would be fun!

Basics
Name: Lara
Age: 22
Birthday: December 25th
Birthplace: Fountain Valley, CA
Current Location: Orange County, CA
Hair colour/style: Dark brown, wavy and curly, shoulder-length
Eye colour: Brown

Favorites
Colour: Purple
Month: April or May - springtime!
Season: Spring
Time of day: Night
Food: Sushi
Drink: Dr. Pepper
Song: "Fallen In Too Deep" by Manvel Ter-Pogosyan feat. Jenni Perez
Band/group/singer: Art Sorority for Girls (my cousin's band)
Album: HAIR soundtrack
TV Show: Tru Calling
Movie: 10 Things I Hate About You
Actor: tie between Drew Fuller, Shawn Reaves and Jason Priestley
Actress: Eliza Dushku
Ship: Tru/Jack (Tru Calling), Buffy/Angel (BTVS), Lucas/Gail (American Gothic), Piper/Leo and Pheobe/Cole (Charmed)
Activity: Fanfic, scriptwriting, original short story/fiction writing, singing
School Subject: High school: English and Choir
Community College: Intro to Creative Writing, Psychology of Human Sexuality, Abnormal Psychology, Intro to Fine Arts, Choir
University: Art, Medicine and Disability
Animal: Dog and wolf

Personal
What did you dream about doing when you were a kid: Becoming a writer
What are you doing currently (school, career, etc): Full-time college student at UC Berkeley working towards a Bachelor of Arts in Film Studies with a minor in Disability Studies
Are you single/taken/in love/heart-a-breakin': Single
Any pets, if so what are they and what are their names: Peanut (poodle), BJ (Belgian Malinois), Honey (bird) and Shadow (apartment kitty)
If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be: Somewhere in Australia, like Brisbane or Perth, or Vancouver, Canada
Something you want to do soon: Publish a story in Chicken Soup for the Soul or get published in another magazine and more articles for my job
Something you want to do in your lifetime: Publish a series of psychological romance novels and the Ultimate Tru Calling Novel, create, write and produce a TV series for Eliza Dushku, and make documentary films about people with disabilities
The coolest experience you've had: Made my first film, a documentary on art & disability
The worse experience you've had: Getting hit by a car in my wheelchair while crossing the street in November 2005. Also, all of the surgeries I've had or at least the ones I can remember (hip surgery and back surgery)
Your fears: Falling, failure and creepy crawly insects
Things that make you smile no matter what: Tru Calling, my doggies and kitty, Pam, Jenni and Michael, cherry things, Kanga (stuffed animal)

Ghost in the Shell - Cream (Hide)

2009-08-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

In all honesty, I didn't know what to title this blog post and so the title became the song that I'm listening to right now on YouTube. I keep playing it over and over and over again because something about it compels me. It's a really odd song, but it has a lot of interesting beats and rhythms, making it different, which I really like.

I also think the "ghost in the shell" part and the "hide" part pretty much reflects how I'm feeling right now and how I feel a lot of the time about myself as an individual as well as a writer. As a writer, I am an artist. I have the ability to paint pretty words onto a canvas (the page before me), whether it be a piece of notebook paper, typing in a Microsoft Word document or in a script template in Final Draft. Each format gives me the opportunity to place words onto a page of sorts, experience their flow and structure, experiment with characterization and dialogue as well as formatting (especially when scriptwriting). In each piece I write ranging from journalism articles for my job, Tru Calling fanfics, original fiction and poetry, and the bits of scriptwriting that I've taught myself, I've learned something about myself and the power of self-expression. I've grown more aware of the ways in which I express myself through my writing.

Oftentimes I do feel like a "ghost in the shell" because I feel that people don't always "get" me or understand my essence. Therefore, writing allows me to be this while also trying to break out of it through means of fantasy. As a ghost in my own shell, I can do anything, be anyone, become someone else. Fanfiction has allowed me to do just that and I've carried bits of what I've learned from my on-going years as a fanfic writer into my original writing. I am a ghost in my own shell while simultaneously existing, wanting to "hide" from the world while also yearing to be a part of it. I want to have my alone time, those private moments to contemplate the intricacies of my life's experiences thus far. But I also want to venture outside of my shell a bit and explore the aromatic flavors of the world around me.

I live in two worlds, which has been a constant throughout my entire life. As a young woman with cerebral palsy, I feel thrown back and forth between the two worlds: the disabled world and the non-disabled world. Though I am constantly living in both worlds, I feel caught in the web of the in-between, not belonging entirely to both of them. Writing - no matter what form it takes - helps me deal with this reality, though my words are submerged in fantasy.

I also am the ghost in my own shell because I do not follow the crowd or feel compelled to do what everyone else is doing. Because of the high standards and goals I have set for myself, my integrity keeps me from giving into temptation of the drug and alcohol whirlwind that I am around in college. I am not seduced by sitting in a bar with drink after drink coming my way in a vain attempt to drown out the miseries of my life. I would much rather go out with friends to dinner, read an inspiring story or write a story, article or script. I am a ghost in my own shell because I see those around me do what I don't like and wish that I didn't have to see the things that I do because of how it still hurts me. Therefore, I'd rather "hide" in a good book or story or in a piece of writing that I'm working on. That is my safe place, my constant, my canvas - a place I can call my own, like this blog.

I do plan on writing about this more extensively at some point, but for now I'll end it here. I'm currently at home, having just finished my summer school course at Berkeley and will be returning there to start the fall semester of my senior year with 12 units. This is my class schedule:

Fall 2009 Schedule

FILM 25A - History of Silent Film
FILM 180A - Screenwriting
ENGL 175 - Literature and Disability

I'm definitely looking forward to going back to school and starting these classes. I do plan on exploring other topics as well, including what inspired me to want to become a television writer. So be on the lookout for that post and others!

Until next time...

Direct Your Own Life

2009-08-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

Growing up, I was always an avid reader. I also loved to watch television. I loved to get lost in the fictional worlds that books let me escape to. Like fiction novels, television gave me the opportunity to explore a new world with fictitious characters that I could relate to. I wanted to emulate some of their mannerisms and behaviors. I wanted to be that super girl I read in said book or watched in said TV show. I wanted to be a strong girl, turned adolescent, turned young adult, and be the woman I envisioned myself to be. It is because of these characters and their worlds that I aspire to write fiction novels and television scripts. As a woman and a writer, I had a creative vision that books and TV shows could satiate my curious and ever-growing appetite with.

Along with my love of books came my love of bookstores. Naturally, right? I'm not ashamed to say that both Borders and Barnes & Noble have been two of my favorite stores for the past several years. I also love independent bookstores as they allow me to explore new literary avenues with the books they carry. So, in short, I am a bookstore addict. That being said, I visit the UC Berkeley student bookstore on a weekly basis, often stopping in more than once a week just to look. I could easily spend hours going through the writing-related how-to magazines, creative writing books and the screen and television writing books in the film section.

Today, I found myself back in the bookstore just looking and not expecting to find anything. Low and behold, the title of a particular book caught my eye: Direct Your Own Life by Efren Ramirez and Chris Barrett. Though I have yet to read the entire book thoroughly and all the way through right now, I am currently reading bits and pieces of this book, which has allowed me to look at my dreams as a writer in entirely new ways.

The book provides encouragement and inspiration for artists and business entrepreneurs of all kinds. By having big dreams, working hard and being open to opportunities, this book provides me with certain essential skills in order to jumpstart the career I've always wanted to achieve. This book was especially interesting to me because of how the material was presented, where I could create my life script, produce it by enlisting others as the cast and crew in my life and how to debut my dream using the script as the basic blueprint for my creation.

The quote that interested me the most was this one, which was in the introduction section of the book:

"Don't wait for someone to present an opportunity to you -- be the director, screenwriter and producer of your own choices, decisions and direction."

I believe that, as I delve further into this book, I will learn skills that will help make me a more proactive and productive writer. As a college student, I need to maintain a schedule and stick to it. As a writer, the same rules apply. I have already started making connections as I see how television writing and fiction writing complement each other and what I can do to ensure I acheive those dreams. Age doesn't matter; what matters is the path that I take to get there and the skills I learn and use as well as the people who inspire me and teach me. I hold the reigns, I have control and only I have the power to create my life as I want it.

Until next time...

Revelations in Writing and Life

2009-08-01T13:56:00.000-07:00

Though I consider myself a writer, updating this blog has not been something I have been keeping up with. Mostly, I blame laziness and lack of interest, but I realize now that my frame of mind needs to change. I have come a long way since I first started this blog a year ago. Since that time, I have learned a lot about myself as an individual, as a person with a disability and as a writer.

My second semester at Berkeley was quite successful and I'm pleased to say I was very happy with my grades and what I had learned during that time. Because the Literature & Disability course I was supposed to take had reached full capacity by the time I had enrolled, I switched classes and enrolled in Art, Medicine & Disability instead. Little did I know that this course would have a huge impact on my collegiate life and future career as a writer as well. One aspect of the course was to create a studio project and, because I do not paint or draw, I asked if I could make a film instead. I had never made a film before, but I was more than willing to accept this challenge and all that it taught me in the process. The end result was a 22 minute documentary film focusing on the relationship between art and disability with the help of 2 friends who I interviewed for this film. Both this course and the film opened my eyes to a whole new realm of possibilities. There were actually artists out there of all kinds - painters, musicians, filmmakers, writers - who had disabilities and were pursuing successful careers in the arts. Though I had been aware of this, I now realize I was never fully aware because the possibilities with which I used to write, direct and be a part of this film had never presented themselves to me.

Because of this and other reasons, I decided to change majors from Interdisciplinary Studies to Film Studies as well as minor in Disability Studies. I am now in the midst of completing my first film course in summer school, The History of Sound Film, and will be able to officially declare the Film Studies major this coming Fall 2009.

As I write this, I reflect on the impact that writing has had on me ever since I was a young girl. I have always been writing since I can remember and I enjoy fiction writing, both original and fanfiction, and scriptwriting the most. I hope I can use this blog in more effective ways to document my writing habits, styles and abilities as well as reflect on my life as a college student thus far. Creating the possibility of becoming a Film Studies major has led me to believe that I will look at life through yet another lens and build upon what I already know as an aspiring writer.

Until next time...

Last Day of 2008

2008-12-31T13:13:00.000-08:00

Hey all!

I decided to write a short blog today because it is December 31st 2008. Tomorrow is the first day of 2009. I can hardly believe it! Where has the time gone? I really don't know.

As far as school-related news goes, I successfully completed my first semester as a junior returning to UC Berkeley. I worked really, really hard this semester and despite all of the emotional trials and tribulations that go along with living with roommates for the first time and being away from home, I think I did quite well.

Fall Semester 2008 Final Grades

COLWRITR1A - College Writing R1A: B
UGIS 110 - Intro to Disability Studies: C+

I am very happy with these grades and I only can aim for more improvement next semester. I'd like to aim for straight B's or maybe an A and a B... we'll see!

Spring 2009 Final Schedule

ENGL 175 - Literature & Disability
THEATER 25AC - The Drama of American Cultures

Those are my classes that I will be taking starting on January 20th. Hopefully they will be better than the ones I took this past fall. Because I am an Interdisciplinary Studies Field major (ISF), I have picked 3 concentrations with which to choose classes from and am essentially creating my own major. My concentrations are film studies, creative writing and disability studies. I can't wait to take Screenwriting in the fall. I'm SO excited about that.

As far as other news goes, I celebrated my 22nd birthday on Christmas Day. I feel so old now, lol. I had a wonderful birthday with my family and friends and got to see the Twilight movie and eat cake batter birthday cake, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed.

I will be home in Orange County for the next few weeks and flying back to Berkeley on January 19th. Too much to be done until then!

Happy New Year 2009!! I wish everyone a bright, happy new year filled with all of the best things possible.

Until next time in 2009...

Venting On Halloween

2008-10-31T17:15:00.000-07:00

First of all, Happy Halloween, everyone! I hope everyone celebrating has a safe and happy holiday!

I don't exactly know why I started writing this at this particular moment. Maybe it's to release some tension or some anger or some kind of pent-up frustration that I've been having lately. I've been at Berkeley for about 2 months now and have been doing fairly well considering. This semester I'm taking College Writing R1A and Intro to Disability Studies. I do enjoy both classes; however, they both also cause me a lot of stress. And being a perfectionist doesn't help either. I've been working on this second essay for my College Writing class and have had to revise it 7 or 8 times! Ugh, SO annoying! The theme of the course is the Rhetoric of Human Rights and my paper is about how disability rights fits into the larger human rights framework. Sounds easy, right? HA. We'll see how this final revision goes cuz I need to start working on another essay for that class this weekend as well.

I'm living in an apartment in Berkeley with 2 awesome roommates. I love them and I love being involved in the Disabled Students' Union, experiencing new things and making the occasional BART trip into San Francisco. But I also get very frustrated at times. Friendship is something that I do not take at solely face value. I like forming deep, meaningful connections with people and sometimes I think that is hard for others to understand. It is difficult for me to understand why people are the way they are or why they do things I don't approve of. I don't want to lose control of myself in that way and seeing the people around me do crazy, stupid things really scares me. I worry about people. It's in my nature and I can't help it. Sometimes I really try hard to just turn and look the other way, but other times that becomes much more difficult. I'm currently trying to process these situations which become quite overwhelming for me. One of these days it has to stop tearing me apart inside.

On a happier note, I have registered for classes for next semester. Although we are only in Phase 1, I have registered for 2 classes and will register for my 3rd class once we enter Phase 2.

Spring 2009 Schedule

Theater 25AC
Literature and Disability
Women and Disability

But at this point I'm just praying I can get through this semester successfully first! Here's hoping! *crosses fingers*

Until next time...

Fake It Til You Make It

2008-08-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

Just around the corner, a new experience awaits me. Just around the corner, life as I now know it will change. I am about to embark on a journey, one like I have never known before. One that is different from the last one I had, yet follows a similar pattern. An experience that will be as life changing as my experiences past, only better. It will be worth living and seeing through. This is something I need, something I crave. I am going away to college. Moving away to Berkeley.

Again.

When I think about moving away, I become excited. But I also become scared, nervous and everything in-between. I guess that's normal, but sometimes I really don't know how to feel. Writing it down seems to be like the only thing that makes sense to me. It's the only thing that keeps my life together, that keeps my sanity from dissolving, a place where I can lose myself in the tangle of words and writerly prose. A place that makes sense, if only for a little while. It doesn't matter if it's regular fiction or fanfiction or journaling. It's all writing. It's all feelings. It's all emotions. This is the path I am destined to follow, whether I know what is ahead of me or not. My fiction and television writing pursuits await the passions of my over-eager imagination.

So while I leave the comforts of my Southern California home and move-in to my new apartment with my roommates where I will soon call a new home, I want to leave you with a quote that a speaker at my community college commencement had said, "Fake it til you make it."

And I think (and hope) I'm ready to do just that.

Until next time in Berkeley...

Welcome to my blog!

2008-08-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, everyone! Thanks for visiting my blog and check back frequently for updates. I have never blogged before, but I wanted a place to discuss random musings, the trials and tribulations of being a college student and my writing life.

As it stands now, I leave to go back to Berkeley in 3 days on Tuesday, August 19th, where I will be starting my junior year on August 27th. I am looking forward to going back to Berkeley and hoping that this experience will be worth experiencing and living and I will discover my full potential, so I am able to make the most of all that is around me. I know in my heart that Northern California is where I belong as a explore my creative and literary pursuits, both as a college student as well as a writer.

On the writing front, I have a job writing articles for a New Age/spirituality website called New Age Center run by Davis Virtual Assistance. You can check out the link in my profile. The articles cover any kind of subject matter dealing with the relationship between spirituality and the paranormal and all things related to New Age material. I have written 12 articles thus far ranging in topics from spiritual jewelry to spirit animals and reviews of my favorite paranormal television shows.

I have to go finish packing now and continue reading Breaking Dawn, Stephenie Meyer's last novel in the epic Twilight series. This paranormal love saga never ceases to amaze me.

Until next time...